This time last year I was washed up. God is good and I'm well and truly back in the game. Here's a recent email from a good mate and my response that sums up what God has done.
Was aware of the hard year. You know, Steve, I just don’t get life and often God...
Things just don’t happen like they should. I remember in my 20’s being inexhaustible, full of energy to eat life... I would see guys in their later 40’s and 50’s and wonder how they got tired, plateaued, etc. I promised I’d never be there. NOW – I totally get it.
The wars; you just get tired from the wars. While things here, ministry, engaging and loving lost people is going super and as a community, things are shaping great – we also face lots of gunfire: shots ALL from the back. The attacks and criticisms, the malicious mean spirited and emotive assaults, like broad side cannon volley at times, when we’ve not even fired across the bow...
It has me tired, real tired at times. I have NEVER felt more centered in what I am called to contribute, never....but never faced such attacks. It has had me sad at times, and I doubt it equals your fatigue and depression, and I know it is a complex medical side to this as well; but I empathize and I am praying for you.
I agree. I now know why “few leaders finish well”. I think it's an impossible task. In fact from Sept-Dec last year I really thought I was finished.
But something happened when I faced the reality that maybe my life was not going to “count”, maybe I wasn't going to get any answers, maybe I was not going to “feel” the reassurance of God's love for the rest of my life. I really felt that way.
It was awful. Dark and relentless. So I faced that and decided that Christ went to the Cross for me and even if my life was washed up I would trust him. This was not heroics, just desperation and brokenness.
It took months for the depression to lift. Now I feel like a free man. In fact I'm dangerous. I've lost everything and whatever I have is a gift from God.
Since then there have been some amazing breakthroughs in family life and ministry. Destiny stuff. I could crash again but I know somehow I'd survive and get up again. I have a deep conviction that God is fulfilling the dreams he has placed on my heart but that's secondary to knowing him.
I just know I could never have learnt all this from books or seminars. I had to go through it.
So how about we both agree to break the mould and finish well?
Your bro in Christ